“Research has now shown that it is not the event itself that causes the emotional reaction but the automatic thoughts that run through our head in immediate response to the event “(www.actionforhappiness.org). The way we interpret reality dictates the way we feel, behave and react. When for example we interpret an event as threatening we might attack or run away, we will experience fear or anxiety, while someone else going through the same event will not feel threatened at all. Our thinking is the Couse of our behavior and our feelings.
The E.T.F.B
Model (as I prefer calling it) is a common model used
for consulting, training, psychology, education and more. It is a behavioral
change technique enabling us to mold an interpretation of events and examine
alternative interpretations. By doing so, the model helps change perceptions,
feelings and reactions related to the event. It helps regain positive
perspectives and understands negative thinking causing us to react to events
the way we do. However, we can add some additional simple agile tools to this
model and take it one step forward into producing a continues change and making the results into
a habit.
After few years of almost forgetting this model existence I
ran into it again during one of my sun’s consulting sessions in grammar school.
I admit, the method caught me again as it caught me few years earlier. But this
time I felt that the way the consultant is using it does not exhaust the
potential of change that this wonderful technique has to offer. I felt we were
missing creating continues understanding and learning here. Using E.T.F.B
with just one event, identifying undesired behaviors here and there felt
limited to me.
Before we get into explaining how we can use simple agile
tools to elevate this model into creating continues learning of new behavioral
patterns and reactions let's briefly review the E.T.F.B
model itself.
So , the E.T.F.B
model holds four main steps or stages :
1.
Understanding the
event
a.
Event - Facts - What
happened in reality? What was the sequence of events?
b.
Thought - What is
the interpretation I gave to the event? What I said to myself during or after
the event? Whether the event was good, bad or neutral?
c.
Feeling - What
feelings arose during the event? How I felt after? How long I felt that after
the event?
d.
Behavior - What did I
do? How I acted? How the event affected my behavior?
It is important to notice that the source of the emotion is
the interpretation I gave to the event - not the event itself. My
interpretation is that created my emotions, and though my reaction (behavior).
It is important to produce this distinction before we offer alternative
interpretations to an event.
2.
Offering Alternative
thoughts to the event – (interpretations) and what response (behavior,
feeling) would it deliver.
It’s Not easy to change an interpretation or thoughts that are
ingrained in our way of thinking, in the events of the past or within our
values or messages we received from our environment.
So what do we do to change the interpretation?
We ask questions.
- Why do you think this happened?
- Is this fact or interpretation?
- Will we be able to offer another interpretation?
And more…
For example:
A girl in my class said my shirt in ugly. So I hit her.
Another girl said my shirt is ugly, I gave her a kiss.
Why? What's the difference?
What I was I thinking about when she told me what she
thought about my shirt?
What were my feelings in each event?
Why did I feel different and I reacted differently from one
event to another?
And more ...
Do we really expect a child, to know how to change patterns
of thinking and behavior after they practicing one or few events using the
model? Even with adults that will be difficult. I find it hard to believe in
one timers ,or even in a few I find their value limited. How can we take the
new thinking patterns into a continues thinking change and make the experience
a habit.
If we take few agile tools into consideration when
applying E.T.F.B
method we can reach a wide range of alternative responses to events and though
elevate the E.T.F.B
expected outcomes. The agile tools
are so simple, and yet they provide us as parents or professionals the ability
to make things happen. We are able to take Individual events into real and
continuous learning, we are able to instill change and habits and make it
stick. E.T.F.B model and the agile methods both using
cognitive terms and emphasize the need for change and the need to make things
happen.
(E.T.F.B
is just one example of the way we can use cognitive tools combined with agile
tools and make the change a habit.)
So , how would E.T.F.B
look using agile?
Instead of running the E.T.F.B
model on a single event only, Our goal will be to relate to a series of small events
over a period of time. Those events are real and are directly related to
reality that the child faced, they are not imaginary events.
We will produce a visual “road of events” that contains a
collection of many (preferred small) events, lightweight, tough, simple or
complex events allowing simulating range of reactions.
Each of those events will be set to the frame using the E.T.F.B
model
This continues visibility of analyzed events will allow
identify different patterns of behaviors.
The intention is certainly not to highlight a problematic
event but to be able to see a pattern of many deferent events (good or bad)
that will allow dealing with. If necessary, we will focus on specific cases and
produce learning and patterns. We would like to be able to see the whole picture,
“walk” in the reality of events , experience events , learn from them ,
experience the next event, fix again and back again continuously . Though producing
continuous learning and growing habits of reactions to events.
How? Let’s say you wish to exercise this model with my child…
1. Create visibility. Visualization
is key! - Visibility has the power to make things happen. When I see things,
there is a greater chance that I will bring them into my attention and response
to changes in the desired direction. Therefore, visualize the event path for
resolution using a simple task board.
When the task board holds the events, it’s easier to “break
free” of them. I do not overload my memory with lots of events, resolutions, feelings,
thought, rather I can relate to them in one place, my task board.
So get your child a board and get him visualize the path of the event.
2. Active versus passive. The event owner is the Child that is required to respond to an event, or to understand the event. The event owner should be active by identified the events (physically – not only respond to questions). Ask him to create the list of events he experienced on the board. He will be the one to actively tack and record the steps of E.T.F.B and the expected behavior. Not the teacher, not a grownup but the one who is accountable and responsible for the change – meaning, the one that experienced the events. The control moves physically to the event owner.
3. Focused on events that occurred in the recent past. Last day for example.
2. Active versus passive. The event owner is the Child that is required to respond to an event, or to understand the event. The event owner should be active by identified the events (physically – not only respond to questions). Ask him to create the list of events he experienced on the board. He will be the one to actively tack and record the steps of E.T.F.B and the expected behavior. Not the teacher, not a grownup but the one who is accountable and responsible for the change – meaning, the one that experienced the events. The control moves physically to the event owner.
3. Focused on events that occurred in the recent past. Last day for example.
4. A variety of options allows reference to diverse and
varied learning. Make sure to have a verity of events on the board. Having
variety of events on the board, won’t highlight a child as problematic in one
area based on one event rather allow the child to experience positive reactions
and positive feedback. Make sure to visualize good and ”bad” events on the
board.
The board should records a collection of several events, collection
of some interpretations and some comments.
5. Communication- selects 1-2events each day; 10 minute
conversation and practice to analyze an event.
TIP : start with simple events then move to the more though
ones. Gaining the ability to analyze using relatively simple events will
elevate the ability to analyze more complex and controversial events and
probably will add to the confidence of dealing with such more controversial
behaviors or reactions.
6. Continues improvement – when we have a bunch of events
with feelings, reactions and behaviors all visible on the board, we can easily
learn from all of them regarding our habits or patterns of behaviors. In
addition, when we are dealing with events on a regular basis, we are able to
learn from today’s event. Implement it right away tomorrow, learn again and
then correct if necessary.
Application – Do not focus on the theory level of
learning. Get out there and experience new events and new suggestions for
changes. Implement the conclusions to the next event. Learning from a single
event without the application on other events with a short period of time
passes has limited and temporary value.
Set goals – at the end of a 10minute discussion, set
short term goals, small steps of actions to take toward the next event, or the
next day and then reexamine those goals against the new events or reactions and
decide over the next actions to take. Reflect the change.
For example if you tease me I'm going to be a “wall” (wall =
not responding, that wall cannot be offended, right?!) So I'll ask the owner of
the event to set his target to the next day or to the next event, such as: How
many times this week I think I can be a “wall”? 1, 2, 3? I will re-examine this
behavioral goal and the related reaction.
7. learn from mistakes – small events, small steps of
improvements allows making small mistakes which can easily be identified and
dealt with. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, challenge those mistakes and
learn new patterns of behaviors.
8. And don’t forget to
enjoy the journey
Further reading and references:
Richard Wiseman's "Rip It Up." - It is kind of an
antithesis to "feelings form behaviour": Wiseman shows, based on good
scientific research, that it is the other way round very often: "behaviour
forms feelings". And he draws a lot of further conclusions and advice from
that.
